The Bullies Never Leave: They Haunt

When I was young, I was bullied. I’m not sure why I think it was because I was ugly. I had buck teeth as a kid that were too big for me until senior year, and I had freckles that stood out.
I think it’s because I wasn’t cool enough or daredevil enough.
But I don’t really understand what separated me from the group of ‘friends’ that I thought I had.
Who knew at the age of 8 if someone was cool or not. I really don’t get it.
There was no technology that separated us like there is today, it wasn’t about who had the coolest or the most recent phone, they didn’t exist back then.

I left those bullies behind in primary school as we all separated and went our own ways, made our own new friends, but somehow, I was still the victim of bullying.
I was constantly left out, made fun of, and nasty comments were always made at me.

I was pushed and shoved in the playground, I was called horrid words and I was the subject of bullying.

There are things that never leave you, even when you’re 23 years old, 5 years out of high school and you still get flashbacks to the moments that haunted you the most.
The moments that defined your high school years, that made you lose your lunch breaks because you felt obliged to knee down to those above you.

Years down the track and the words that were said to me in primary school and high school still terrorise me to this day.
The images replay in my mind and the words play over and over on repeat. They bring me down still to this day that I don’t ever want to face those bullies again, to the point that I’m scared to go to the shops some days purely because I am worried I will see them from afar.

One day, I hope the bullies read this and realise how much of an impact they played in those peoples lives that they bullied.
The trauma doesn’t just leave you in high school when you go your separate ways, the memories stick with you and it affects you for the rest of your life.
I wish I had happy memories to take with me from high school, but unfortunately, the bad ones cloud over the few sun shining moments.

I hope that one day, you realise how cruel you were by the little things you said. I hope you realise that you hurt not only me, but everyone else that bowed down to you and you pushed out of your way.

Because of you, I now have the anxiety to meet new people because I don’t have the coolest clothes or the fastest car. Because of you, I feel like I don’t fit in, anywhere, even when I do, I have a voice in the back of my head telling me that they don’t like me and that I don’t fit in.

You may think that your words meant nothing, but I still remember every word that was said, I still remember every tear that was shred.

I hope that one day you read this and show your own children, so they never have an impact on someone’s life like you did on mine.
They should create sunshine for those, even on the darkest of days.

I am nothing more than a withered flower trying to come back to life.

Every thorn I grew from you, now protects me from whom lies ahead.

Image result for withered flower

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It’s okay not to be okay

Today is the start of my mental health blog. It’s going to be about my story, and my therapy solutions while I battle depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress (PTSD). These disorders aren’t disorders – sometimes people do you wrong and hurt you, leave you in pieces on the floor and walk all over you instead of picking you up.

I’m going to write about different things that have happened in my life that has impacted how I got to where I am today. From coming home from overseas and being overweight, losing friends, heartbreaks, sexual assault, to everyday pressures in my life that I encountered, I am slowly and willingly going to share my story with all of you to read. Bear with me as this will not be easy, it will take some time. Some things might be confronting, somethings might make you laugh, cry and leave you feeling numb. Some may even help you if you’re looking for solutions.

The amount of healing I have tried, failed and tried again is crazy. I am finally finding solutions that work after 7 years of therapy, 3 psychologists, a break down which led to hospitalisation, medications, psychiatrists and having a constant support from the Community Mental Health Team in Campbelltown, things FINALLY (slowly but surely) are working out day by day. Not every day is better, some days are worse and although they may be inconsistent, I have to remember every day is a new day, be patient and practice what I have been taught over the years.

Today is the first day that I am going to admit that I am not okay.

This is my story.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, you can contact:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 13 11 14

Police: 000 or 112